Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Dream from my Dad

I have been having dreams lately - pleasant and otherwise. I just woke up from a vivid one. Now, dreams used to wake me up in the middle of the night and I started to take a "sleeping preparation" :) to keep myself asleep. It worked like a charm with the benefit/problem of not having dreams or nightmares. I have stopped taking that medication and slowly the dreams are starting back.

This night's dream was of my father. I usually only say nice things about my dad these days as the past is long gone beneath the bridge and I did not know enough of my dad. I dreamt of finding my dad's will and calling my sister to tell her about it. My father died when I was in my early twenties. The dream was set in present time. In an old box was an unopened letter among some other unimportant mail that I had not read. Guilt is the theme here as my dad had apparently sent me the will, named me the executor, and I had lost it. My subconscious mind blames my dad for the guilt I have constantly over forgetfulness. This guilt is the strong subtext of the dream which really has only pleasant events.

I call my sister as I open the will to find nothing unusual except a will which tells where long ago dispensed money should have been divided as it was. As dreams do... it contains a bit of the impossible as dad has embedded an media file in the paper will of a kind of trainmaster telling about the course of the rivers that were apparently important, dreamwise,  to my dad in his youth. It is as if we are on a barge and traveling down a river with many tributaries. The trainmaster tells of our journey and makes a joke about the number of pathways the river takes. The audio is over-modulated which dad would have never done but credit is due for managing to embed a media file in an old paper document.

There is a fifty dollar savings bond for me and the idea that my dad had entrusted the youngest of his kids with the will. It is a good and bad feeling at the same time.

I tell my sister that there is nothing unusual about the dividing of the money in the will without really knowing that. I feel guilt and more guilt about misplacing the will. Finally I wake up with all this on my conscience and cannot get back to sleep...     and so it goes.

--writing appears to be channeling and dreaming the same--

I have not had a good month and it is capped off by getting off of a blood pressure medication that appeared to be acting like poison, on to another which appears to be helping, a host of blood tests to have done in the morning --yawn-- and a trip to an  infamous self-admired specialist on my stomach.

Guilt is actually something I understand. It is unimportant on some metaphysical level and yet important in its physical effects. Ok, I am finally feeling a bit drowsy... :)

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